Bipolar, my constant struggle.

Bipolar plays with one's emotions like a little child plays with their toys; the majority of the time without reason or purpose, just does, not knowing exactly what they are playing out half the time. I've suffered with Bipolar since I have been three years old. When I was angry I was in a rage, tearing down anyone and anything in my way - which is sort of like it is now. I've learned to control my emotions now that I know about Bipolar, educateted myself in it. But when I was little - not having a clue - I was out of control. I describe myself like a demon back then. I was violent and rash and until I was seven, I was not on the proper medication. This monster tugs at my every emotion, taking them to the extreme. When I am sad I am in a pit of despair and it takes everything I have in me to pull myself back out of the darkness. My anxiety sky rockets to a point where I have a hard time grasping myself, let alone the issue or situation. But I see and feel things so differently than others. Things that are beautiful are more beautiful- everything is heightened. I live more intensly, love more powerfully; but grief and loss can cripple me.
I couldn't ask for a more acceptioning family. My mother was diagnosed with Bipolar in her thirties and that's how my family already had a head start for dealing with me. After my mothers passing when I was eight, I was thrown over the edge - letting the monster play with everything I was because I just didn't care anymore. I lost my best friend, my idol- my mother. For me there was nothing else to live for. That pit of despair grew deeper and deeper and I didn't want to crawl out. But my family was there with a rope and strong arms to pull me back into reality and help me work with this monster inside of me. My aunt- my guardian, helped me understand why I felt the things I did so intensly, tried her hardest to make me understand Bipolar so I could own it and work to better myself instead of letting it control me.
I have come such a long way with this disorder and take pride in it when people exclaim. "I would have never guessed you were Bipolar." I've taimed this monster inside of me and it shows greatly in all my success, not only as a student, but as a person. I inform the people close to me and even people getting to know me of this disorder that tries to run my life because there are such false assumptions on it. I want to educate people like I educated myself and make them less ignorant on the subject. I will always have this disorder and having a handle on it will help me get through life.

Les Miserables, the musical.

When I first watched Les Miserables I was around 5 years old. My mother owned the 10th anniversary tape, which I still watch today. She had it on the tv, sitting on the floor watching it. I came skipping in to spend some time with her and she introduced me to the magnificent composure and plot of Les Mis. At that age I didn't quite understand what was going on but I fell in love with the music just the same. I didn't need to know what all the words meant to enjoy it. All I knew was that I was watching something amazing. These people belting out, showing such emotion I didn't really know how to describe was overwhelming. Colum wilonsin, lea Solonga, and Michael ball - just to name a few- hit notes that are almost godly. Their voices are like gifts from angels! There is no moment when you can't feel the emotion or story in their song. It gives you butterflies. Leaves you in tears and shivering in delight. The story in itself is breathtakingly heartbreaking and exciting, the actors/actress only bring it more to life.

As I grew older my understanding of the musical grew too. I'd spend my days humming the songs, asking my mother to sit down and watch it with me. Everything about it was so enticing I couldn't seem to get enough of it. I feel the same way now. I have seen the musical two times and am hoping to see it a third time very soon. I have watched the dream cast of the 10th anniversary more times than I can even begin to count. I don't go a day without listening to the songs, or the whole album even. Les Miserables is a part of me, my history, my inspiration, and start in loving musicals. 

It reminds me of my mother, the way she took in music as if feeling it herself. She passed away about nine years ago when I was eight and every time I listen to Les Miserables I remember her, in all her greatness. I am now seventeen, going on eighteen, and cant even begin to describe the feelings I have for this musical. Its my all time favorite and always will be. Les Mis isn't just about a man who stole a loaf of bread, its a number of back stories, of morals and dismay. Its about religion- having faith, losing it, and finding it. Its about the law and its boundaries, redemption, forgiveness, love, and even hate. Anyone can relate to any of the characters and that's what makes it so unbelievable. I was a very happy camper to see it back on tour, to be able to see it while I have the full understanding of its entirety. Les Miserables is a timeless classic that helps me get through all my tough times. I can put on the music and suddenly all my worries fade. There is just something so.. divine about the music, it's melody, that I can't seem to feel bad when listening to it. Not only does it remind me of my mother, it reminds me that everyone is human. Has flaws, has troubles. And that it doesn't matter how bad you mess up, there is always a light if you choose to take it. 

I even have the novel by Victor Hugo which was published in 1862. I've read it and wrote many essays about the novel, as well as the musical, which came out on Broadway on March 12, 1987; for school over the years. To be able to know of this musical, to have taken it in so young and still be able to feel chills when listening to it, is ultimately the best feeling ever. It will never get old and I hope it never dies. Twenty five years strong and counting. 

Some favorite quotes.

1. "When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life you have a hundred reasons to smile."

Because if you really try, you'll find there is no need to cry. There is always something better than what you're seeing up front. Always a brighter side, something to keep you holding on. You just have to try and find that, no matter how hard it is.

2. "With all there is, why settle for just a piece of sky?"

Kind of explains itself, yeah? Why settle for something. Reach for what you want, because there is so much out there.

3. "The time had come to try my wings, even though at any moment I could fall."

It's always right to try something. After all, if you don't try because you're afraid, you'll never learn or move on. Its okay to make mistakes, because trying gets you somewhere. 

4. "You were born an original, don't die a copy."

Be yourself. Not somebody else. Do what you want, not what others want. 

5. "We all live such fragile lives."

It doesn't matter how strong we are.. How rich or famous. We are all the same, deep down. We're human.  We can be hurt emotionally and physically. We are fragile, in all our own ways, to what can break us down. That's why we should live to the fullest, and not believe we are better than anyone else. Because that's a load of crap. 

6. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

If you dwell on regretting something you didn't do.. You can't move on and enjoy yourself.

7. "No one says it's easy. And no one says you have to be perfect, but as long as you try; you're always gonna find it was worth it."

Even if that something doesn't turn out the way you wanted, you learned something. Experienced something, and that, you'll find, is always worth it. 

8. "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."

You can't fully live your life if you are too busy holding on to something that brings you down. Sometimes you have to let go.

9. "Laughter is the best medicine."

My mother said this. And it's so true. You feel great when you laugh, Why do you think you cant laugh without smiling? If you're feeling down.. laughter is the best way to feeling better.

10. "Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings."

If you have something grand, and don't use it, let it waste away.. You're letting yourself down, not to mention others. You're missing out on bettering yourself.

11. "An eye for an eye only ends with the whole world blind."

There are better ways to resolve things than violence and revenge.. because in the end, someone always gets hurt. Even people that weren't meant to. 

12. "Music is what feelings sound like."

Music is like a therapist. It can help you through anything.

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And that's just a little taste of some of the quotes I am really fond of. Of course there are loads more. :D